The fatigue is setting in now. I have been so blessed! I have not lost one single hair, actually I am having to have my hair cut as it is growing at a rapid rate. My nails are strong and long – the opposite of what I was told would be. The radiation has not burnt my skin, I am a little sensitive in the areas that are receiving radiation but no blisters or raw skin. Thank you Jesus for Your healing Hand that is upon me. I am however lacking in energy and feel drained, at times light-headed, like I’m walking around in a dream. The naps that I take are deep though, I fell asleep on the radiation table and they gently aroused me.
The fatigue is something that I need to learn to manage, washing a floor and tidying up saps me and requires half and hour’s nap. It is all about pacing myself, something I don’t do well. All this napping, eating small, regular meals and drinking enough fluid is ‘hard’ work.
The best part of my naps is that I am aware of my spirit praising the Lord. That is so refreshing, and spiritually healing. The spirit is refreshing and healing alongside the physical. The body needs the rest so it is able to restore and renew the cells that are being damaged by radiation so the fatigue is a side-effect that you want. How great is the body that it asks for rest to renew. Something that can unbalance and upset the state of rest is worry.
Worry is a word that is easily written and spoken, yet is hard to get rid of. A worry normally starts off as something very small. Given thought and a voice, once you speak the worry, it becomes alive and can grow into a monster. When something worries you, it bugs you or bothers you. It is not something that you are stressing about, you are just worrying. The more you ponder on the worry, the bigger it grows. The more energy it saps and the more real the outcomes and consequences become. Before you realise it the worry has consumed you and you are stressed and anxious about it.
I think back to needles, those tiny, shiny, prickly, little slithers of sterile steel. I would worry about them and they would become weapons of mass destruction, pain inflicting weapons that were set on impaling my arm and sucking out my blood or pumping toxic chemicals into my body. Okay, so I have over-dramatized a little, but the thought process I went through was similar. Where did my fear of needles start? Worry!
We start worrying and if we worry long enough we start losing our perspective. We worry all night using “What if..” or “It might..”, if we speak about our worry enough we will influence our choices and generally end up in a pickle. You see we voice our fears and worries and then submit to them. We allow them to weaken us. When faced with battle Gideon didn’t say, “What if..” or ” I am worried about only having 300 men.” He did not worry, he knew that YHWH, the King of Kings, was with him.
In Matthew 6:27, Jesus asks, “Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? Of course not.” Verse 34: ‘So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.”
Jesus asks if we can add anything through worry. Jesus knows that worry will destroy and steal your attention from the providence of God. Worry focuses you on your own ability and strength. We look at our own ability to sort out the problem instead of looking to God and praising Him in faith and victory – like Gideon did. To do this you need to know whom you are in Christ.
Worrying can also breed doubt. When you ask yourself if you switched off the iron, it is because you are worried – you are doubting. Will there be enough food? You planned and shopped why do you let worry about what people may say about your catering skills make you doubt and ruin the fun of the event. You will collapse after the meal and say, “Well, there was enough food…I was so worried.” When Jesus started feeding the multitude, He was not worried, He gave thanks and started handing out food. Jesus knew His Father was with Him, he did not doubt.
When you worry you continually look over your shoulder. Peter called to Jesus and said, “Lord if it is You, let me come to You.” Jesus called Peter and he stepped out of the boat. He was not worried, Jesus was right in front of him, holding out a hand. Peter was fine and focused on Jesus. It was only when he started to worry about the wind and waves, maybe the fact that he was walking on water, that he started to sink. He worried, doubted and lost faith. In Matthew 14:31 we read, “Instantly Jesus reached out His hand and grabbed him(Peter). ‘You don’t have much faith, why did you doubt Me?’
If Peter had replied to that he would have most likely said that he was WORRIED about the wind and waves, that he DOUBTED what he was doing. The key word is he – as in Peter by himself. Jesus had called him and must have been close because when Peter started to sink He grabbed him. Peter had little faith in his OWN ability, yet Jesus was right there. Jesus grabbed Peter and then they climb into the boat – a little detail that many overlook.They were walking on the water so to climb back into the boat they must have walked and stood and climbed back in – think about it. Jesus grabbed Peter and He would have ‘carried’, supported Peter back to the boat. Wow!! The very same power was at hand for Peter, he just had to not worry or doubt.
The evening and early morning before my first chemo I was full of worry. In fact I was worried to tears about needles. I hadn’t given much thought to the toxic chemicals that would be pumped through my veins – I could not get past the needle. The needle turned out to be a bit of plastic cannulae, still stung but nothing to worry about. I worked my toes into a jig, nearly hyperventilated and felt sick. I had prayed again and again, but was COMBATING my own prayers with worry. I was asking for peace but doubting. God had so faithfully and lovingly told me I was going to be fine, that He love me – He was RIGHT there, but my focus was taken by worry. I couldn’t see the forest for the trees.
How do you stop worrying? Seek ye first the Kingdom of God. If you keep your eyes on Him and have faith in His plans for your life, making all things that could worry you God’s concern. I find it very humbling to put myself into someone else’s shoes and I realise that my worries are nothing compared to theirs. This is not a judgmental exercise, but one of realising how blessed you are and how essential it is that even though you are down and out you need to pray for others – a great way of shifting your worry and focus.
Jesus understood that people worry about things and the passage in Matthew 6, we read that all that we NEED will be provided for. God is a our provider and His storehouses in Heaven are filled with blessings for His children. Most people think of needs as being physical, but there are needs that we have but don’t often want such as being humble, forgiving and submissive. These needs are self-sacrificial and often come at a cost.
Nonetheless, whatever God gives us is invaluable and desired by mankind. Some people spend more than they should because they are worried about the way they look and worry about being accepted. Jesus touched the skin of lepers and hugged beggars. The peace, joy and love that is freely given to those that seek the Kingdom of God can’t be bought, begged or borrowed.
Tell God what is on your heart. Ask like Peter did, “Lord, if it is You, call me to come to You, walk with me and hold my hand.” Have faith in your request and keep your eyes on the King, not on your own ability (worry). You can do ALL things in Christ Jesus, Son of YHWH.
Oh Father, take my worries and turn them into victories for the glory and esteem of Your Son, Jesus. That all may see how gracious and lovingly-committed You are.